Getting Along With Your College Roommate

One of the most important factors in your success in college is getting along with your roommate. Avoiding conflict with a roommate is vital to a student's happiness while living on campus.

Communicating with your roommates is key to getting along. Since ASD individuals have social skill deficits, problems with their roommates are bound to crop up. Remember you do not have to be best friends. The only expectations you should have of your roommate is that they respect you and the living space. Anything beyond that is a gift, not a mandate. Many college students arrive to school having grown used to having a room to themselves. However, that's usually not the case when living on campus, so be prepared to compromise. A steady give and take between you and your roommate will ease the tensions that can arise in a shared room. It may be awkward at first, but having an open and honest conversation with your roommate in the first few days in an effort to set some rules will prove to be helpful long term. Roommates should discuss designated quite time, cleaning the room, listening to music or having friends over, etc. Let your roommate know what makes you uncomfortable is important. Make sure you make a Roommate Agreement/Contract. This tool will help you and your roommate(s) establish living expectations for the year. Having all the rules written up enables the student to visually see what they must do and helps ASD individuals learn how to get along with others which is something they need to do independently throughout their lives.



Here are a few suggestions from UMBC that might help make living with a roommate much easier:

Communicating with your Group Members

Most group conflicts are the result of miscommunication or, in some cases, a total lack of communication. If you can communicate effectively, it will be much easier for your Group Leader to represent your preferences.

These tips should help you communicate in a healthy way with your group members:

Engage in trust-building, rather than trust-breaking

• Talk to your group members directly when something is bothering you.
• Avoid talking about group members behind their back.
• A sure-fire way to break trust is to post messages about a person using social media, even if it doesn’t include a person’s name, your post could set you back in reaching a resolution or solution to your problem.


Be clear, speak up

• Communicate your preferences! If you don’t share your thoughts, you cannot reasonably expect to have your voice heard, or your perspective advocated for by a leader.
• Direct, verbal communication is the best way to be clear about a problem or issue. Posting messages on social media, using email or non-verbal communication and relaying messages through friends can result in misinterpretation and miscommunication.


You are not a good communicator unless you are listening

• Communication works two ways. If you are the only one speaking, something is not right. Pause, take a breath, and ask the other person to tell you their perspective.
• Dialogue is different than debate. Dialogue is preferable in a situation where those involved are looking for a resolution to a problem. Whereas debate is adversarial, dialogues allows all parties to have an opportunity to speak, and all parties have an opportunity to listen.


Look for Resolution

• If there is a conflict, there can be a resolution, but don’t begin with the end in mind. Consider the needs of all parties involved, before you propose a solution.


Seek to Understand and Honor Others

• Everyone has different values, experiences, expectations and communication styles. It is easier to solve a problem with a friend than a stranger, so try to find a common ground, or something that you share. If you both find that you are approaching the limit and things are not being resolved, agree to take some time away from the discussion to give you each time to process what is going on. This will also give you each time to develop feedback that is not going to be hurtful and won’t be fueled by anger.





What do you do when a problem arises? Here are a few suggestions from UMBC that might come in handy;

5 Things to Keep in Mind When There is Conflict

Working in groups isn’t always easy. Sometimes situations that work at the beginning become more difficult as time goes on, or situations become more stressful.

Many people say they do not like conflict, however conflict is a part of our daily lives, and it is perfectly normal to have conflicts. In fact, there is a great deal to be learned from handling a difficult situation maturely, respectfully, and creatively.

The Office of Residential Life offers a number of resources to students facing roommate conflicts. Please read through the information below. If you feel you need further advice on how to proceed with the situation, you should speak with your Resident Advisor.

1. Respect
Both you and the other person should be respectful and feel respected at all times. A respectful conversation should take place in a private at a neutral location, at a time that works for all parties. Be direct in your communication, and use “I statements” (“I feel…”,”This impacts me because….”) In order to effectively communicate and avoid either party feeling defensive, focus on behaviors rather than personality traits. Remember: Seek to Understand and Honor Others


2. Establish the real issue
Try to uncover what the problem really is. If one of your group members always mentions that you are late to meetings, the underlying issue might be that they feel you disrespect their time.


3. Communication is both talking and listening
Remember that there are multiple sides to every store. Each person in a conflict should be given an opportunity to present what they feel the problem really is.


4. Work Together
Sometimes we complicate out by trying to compromise, meaning we try to find a middle ground. Instead of compromise, try to work together, or collaborate to create a win-win situation, then the conflict is more likely to be resolved. Evaluate the needs of both sides before a solution is proposed, and make sure the solution is acceptable to both parties.


5. Choose your Battles
You can’t agree on everything. Focus on what matters, and let the small things go. Ask yourself if you are compromising your beliefs or morals. If year, it’s important that you effectively and respectfully explain why you think your values are impacted, and how this makes you feel. Also, consider why the other person has a different view of the situation and outcomes. Why are they upset? What does the issues look like from their point of view?